Dear intellectually impaired computer abusers,

When you buy a computer for your home, you are purchasing a complex piece of machinery. When you decide to purchase a modem and router, and connect your computer to the internet (and/or other computers in your home) you are adding many levels of complication to your set up. If you choose to remain ignorant to even the most basic aspects of your computer and peripherals you are accepting that you will have to rely on other people to maintain the functionality of the system which you have installed in your home and use every day for a variety of tasks.

Some hardware and software providers and ISPs offer technical support. Sometimes this is free, sometimes it isn’t. When it isn’t, you are paying the price for not taking the time to learn anything about the expensive and complex equipment you have chosen to purchase and use. When you choose not to utilise this technical support for whatever reason, you are accepting that you will have to rely on other people to solve problems for you. These people are called IT engineers. They are not a free public service or a charity. They are not provided to you by your local council or department of social services. They are not dropped down to earth by God, Santa or the fairies to fulfill your technological hopes and dreams. Unless an IT engineer appears when you rub a lamp, you must accept that you have to part with money if you wish to make use of their expertise.

When an IT engineer is up front about how much their services cost and you agree to use their service, you are agreeing to pay the price that is quoted to you. When your computer or network has been repaired and you have grudgingly parted with your cash, it is up to you not to break your computer or screw up your network again or you will be responsible for having it repaired, if that’s what you choose to do. This will mean paying an IT engineer again. When YOU fuck things up, it is not someone else’s responsibility or duty to repair it, especially if that person has explained to you, in great detail, what was wrong with your system, what they did to fix it and what you should do to prevent it from breaking again. If you choose not to listen to advice from a person who is an expert in a field about which you know absolutely nothing, any resulting disasters are YOUR fault.

The following things will not magically convince an IT engineer to come to your home and fix your fuck ups for free:

- Lying about what you did to break your computer, especially if the person you are speaking to instantly sees through your lies and questions you further, causing you to admit what you actually did.

- Complaining about the unfairness of your substandard equipment not working. If you buy cheap shit, it will break. You can get it fixed, but it will most likely break again. You can’t polish a turd. Accept this. Shell out for decent gear, especially when it is recommended to you with the words “If you continue to use the (whatever) that you’re using, this will happen again. You should purchase one of (these) instead” by someone who is an expert in this type of equipment.

- Phoning repeatedly and whining, only to offer a shaky “Uh, I’ll phone you back” when the person on the phone does their job and offers to come out to look at the faulty equipment and repair it (which is, after all, what you’re phoning for).

- Making guesses about what might be wrong, even though you don’t know what you’re talking about. Especially if you start the sentence with “I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but…”

And another little bit of advice – unless a phone number says “Technical Support” next to it, it is not a technical support line. A good IT engineer will be happy to answer your questions, talk you through things that they have done when repairing your system or offer advice on maintaining your system but unless they are being paid to sit on the phone and listen to your half-assed bitching for hours, do not expect them to be your personal techno-slave, at your beck and call when you break something.

To make it even more simple, here’s a little analogy for you. Strap in, it might get complicated. Some words have more than three syllables. If you drove your car over kerbs day in day out, punctured all your tyres and kept driving until your suspension was damaged, you could take your car to a mechanic and pay to have your suspension repaired. You may even be able to purchase new tyres from the mechanic. If you then started driving up kerbs all the time again, puncturing your tyres and damaging your suspension again, the mechanic would not have to repair your suspension for free. And they sure as hell wouldn’t have to replace your tyres. You wouldn’t expect them to sit on the phone for hours talking your through how to repair your own suspension, although they might be kind enough to recommend somewhere to purchase new tyres. Get where I’m coming from? Good.

If you can’t manage to grasp this stuff, learn to fix your own damn computer. Or do the world a favour and don’t buy one in the first place. People like you shouldn’t have access to technology. It only causes problems.

With contempt,
Frustrated IT engineers.