One of the downsides of being listed in business directories is that I get spam phone calls. Every day. Numerous times a day.

Anywhere else in the UK, I would be able to opt out of such things as I’m self-employed rather than being an actual company and could therefore register my phone numbers on the national Do Not Call registry. But not in Scotland. Well done Scotland.

So today I got a call from some phone monkey at LBM calling on behalf of Orange. As I was explaining that I have no interest in receiving calls from strangers trying to sell me things, he hung up on me.

So I called back, this time on my landline as it was an 0800 number which is free from landlines but not from mobile phones, to ensure that my details had actually been removed and I wouldn’t get any more phone spam from them.

BUT…simply by phoning them again, they assume permission to register my landline number on their database. Then the recorded message gave another freephone number to call if I didn’t want to have them contact me again. Again.

The second freephone number did basically the same thing, although it gave me an option not to be contacted again, which I chose. I was then informed that my phone number would be removed from their database in 4-5 working days.

So I went to their website, determined to find a way to actually speak to someone and ensure that I wasn’t going to have phone spam ad infinitum. The same thing happened when I called the customer service number on their website.

Basically it’s impossible to phone them at all without the number you call from being saved on their database, at least for the next week or so. I’m sure as hell not emailing them.

All I wanted was to talk to a human being to ensure that I wouldn’t keep getting phone calls by people trying to sell me things that I’m perfectly capable of finding and purchasing by myself, should I want to.

Nowhere on the website that I can see, does it say that by contacting them at all I am giving permission for my number to be saved and used by them however they see fit. While this may be in their smalltinylittlewee print, it really ought to be somewhere visible. Somewhere it can be seen before you phone them.

I did consider calling their Sales Enquiries number, since that’s probably the only number you can contact them on and actually have a person answer the phone but if I speak to another fake-voiced wank-stained shite with a phone strapped to his head I think I might start eating my own hands, just to have a pleasant distraction.

So this week’s Go Fuck Yourself award goes to LBM Direct Marketing and Orange. Congratulations. You suck.

Want more information about the depths LBM will sink to? Check out this info on Dynamoo.