I’m feeling a wee bit stressed at the moment because stuff has changed with work and I will now be getting paid less and have fewer shifts available to book, shuffling my financial situation down a couple of rungs from precarious to potentially desperate. I’m pretty sure it’s not ok to go into detail about work-related stuff on a public blog, so I’ll leave it here on the subject by saying that I’m feeling pretty screwed over right now, as are lots of other people, apparently.
That news (received on Thursday, just before I started my shift) and its knock-on effect set off a pretty icky chain of events over the last few days. I was actually fine initially, which surprised me. Then at 2am, everything sunk in and I got really, really scared. Which is perfectly natural when you’re pretty sure you can pay your rent this month and next month, but after that, who knows? And when you’ve been trying to find a different job because you have no safety net and need a regular and reliable income income, but need flexibility for booking work every week because your body doesn’t function consistently and also you can’t work mornings and have to work from home because you’re not able to leave the house more than a couple of times a week and can’t work for more than a few hours at a time unless you get recovery days in between, and sometimes not even then, and there just aren’t any other jobs like that happening at the moment (believe me, I have hunted high and low).
Staying in a job where you’re not only not valued at all, but are actually…whatever the word is when you’re actively un-valued and an ongoing basis, isn’t great for promoting feelings of self-worth. I keep telling myself that it could be worse, that I could have no job at all. I totally accept this. At least I HAVE a job, even if it may not enable me to afford a roof over my head in a few months time. But right now, I have a job and can pay my rent, so the part of me that feels guilty for being ungrateful is glaring disapprovingly at the part of me that is utterly terrified and frustrated and wishes that things could be different, that I could just be not sick and be able to get ANY other job. I have something else in the works at the moment (which I’m not talking about until it happens), but it’ll most likely be a slow grower and definitely won’t provide a regular, reliable income any time soon, especially when it’s being funded completely from my income from my current job, my only source of income, which will be getting smaller very soon. But still, I’m trying to move forward and explore other options as best I can.
Aaanyway. I managed to get to sleep for a couple of hours on Thursday night (technically Friday morning), then woke up to what would be the start of The Epic 12 Hour Panic Attack. It was pretty horrific. Like “I don’t want to talk about it now cause I can’t cope with reliving it” kind of horrific. Panic attacks of that magnitude are totally exhausting. Afterwards, my body and brain JUST CAN’T. Normal stuff like eating, talking to people, thinking…all that stuff is wildly difficult, especially when you’re operating on a couple of hours sleep and have an illness that requires you to sleep a lot to be able to function. Urgh. I was over the worst of it by late afternoon, then started work at 5pm.
I was working again the following morning, again after nowhere near enough sleep. Mornings are a nightmare for me, especially when I only finish work at 9pm the night before, but not having as many shifts available means having to work Saturday mornings the last couple of weeks. Cue The Evil Vomit Migraine. Once I finished work, I spent the rest of the day in a dark, quiet room, unable to sit up for more than a couple of minutes at a time. But, on the upside, I finally got to sleep properly on Saturday night, which was awesome!
Yesterday, I managed to go out and get a bit of food shopping for this week. For a few days after a major panic attack, I feel kind of dislocated and find it really difficult to be out and about in the world. It’s feels like how a bad acid trip looks in movies. As far as I’m aware though, I do appear normal (or as normal as I ever appear) to the average onlooker, so it’s not like I was staggering around crying in Asda or anything.
I slept a bit more normally last night and even though I’m still feeling wiped out and kind of spacey today, it’s definitely better than yesterday. I am SO glad this doesn’t happen too often cause it’s pretty horrible having to deal with it on top of all the physical stuff. I’m currently working through a hefty dose of fear and uncertainty, trying to figure out how to accept that as a part of my life for the foreseeable future, recognise it as an experience, seek out opportunities for change and focus on the more positive things than are happening at the moment.