_{Thank you to D for modelling.}

I seem to be using this blog more and more for venting when I feel like crap. It doesn’t make for the most interesting reading, but I need to get this stuff out. I’m actually not a horribly negative person who does nothing but complain and rant, even if it does seem that way lately. I’m generally feeling really positive about life, but right now I’ve had 3 hours sleep, I feel like shit and I’m sitting here on my own wishing I could put my fist through something to get rid of some of the ARGHHH that I’m feeling. So I figure writing it all down here is probably the most productive way to deal with stuff, or at least to feel a bit better for a little while.

I didn’t get to sleep until what probably qualifies as ‘the middle of the night’…I’m guessing somewhere between three and half past three. Stuff was hurting, and it kept me awake. I sort-of-slept for a while, but it was that weird kind of sleep where I was aware of things being painful and I woke up again, pretty much unrested. I took a couple of anti-inflamatories, but they haven’t done anything other than give me icky stomach acid.

I don’t have any decent painkillers right now, partly cause they’re expensive and partly cause I haven’t been able to go and get them. I know I could get a repeat prescription for painkillers but the whole idea of doing that makes me feel uncomfortable for two reasons. The first is that I truly don’t believe that painkillers should be a part of my daily routine. The pain is there all the time and it’s not going to go away, so I’m doing my best just to deal with it and only take painkillers when I absolutely need them (like if I completely can’t sleep, or if I have something important to do). The other reasons is that I despise going to the doctor about this stuff, as I’m sure anyone with a long-term/incurable medical condition or who has had to repeatedly see a doctor for pain medication will understand.

Doctors seem to either jump at the chance to drug you up and send you on your way, or they do their best to make you feel like a junkie for taking/asking for any kind of medication. Although strangely, they’re always happy to hand out anti-depressants and don’t seem to understand why I don’t want to take them…possibly because I’m not suffering from depression. There we go with that whole reason-and-logic thing, can’t be having that on the NHS.

The last time I went to my doctor about pain/pain medication, I asked about non-addictive pain medication and wanted to see if there was anything decently strong and effective that there wasn’t a danger of getting hooked on (I’m scared about this since a complete retard of a doctor prescribed me the maximum legal dosage of very addictive painkillers for 6 months straight for back pain a few years back, with no mention of the addictiveness or any side effects). The doctor looked at me the whole time like I was talking Martian or something. I could almost hear brain-cogs turning. He asked what I was taking at the moment and I said “Paramol, when I need it but it has dihydracodeine in it, so I’m worried about taking it on any kind of ongoing basis”. He then proceeded to inform me that Paramol didn’t exist. He’d never heard of it, so it wasn’t real and I must be wrong. When I took the box out of my bag to show him, he mumbled something incomprehensible and said that they were probably fine. That was my last visit to the doctor and I’m not going back unless things start falling off my body.

I’ve read on online forums and websites about people with M.E. taking coctails of anti-depressants, pain medication, sleeping pills, stuff to combat the side effects of the anti-depressants and pain medication and sleeping pills…I’m very much ‘whatever floats your boat’ when it comes to dealing with illness and pain, especially if there’s no actual cure for it. But it doesn’t feel right to me to take a handful of pills every morning just to mask symptoms. I’m not judging anyone who does, it’s just not something I feel comfortable with. I should probably just suck it up and go to my doctor to get my prescribed pills to stop me feeling, stop me thinking, stop me caring, stop me hurting, make me sleep, wake me up and turn me back into the dead-eyed zombie that I was when I first got sick and thought I’d give the medication a go. It just feels like such a short-term solution for a long-term issue, trying to polish a turd. I’d jump at the chance to fill myself with chemicals if it was actually going to CURE this, but not if all it does it make me quiet and stupid and uncomfortably numb. Which is pretty much how the NHS deals with M.E. Can’t fix it? Take these, shut up, fuck off, don’t come back.

I’m not going to start another NHS-related rant, although if that’s what you want, hang around for a bit cause there’s always one waiting in the wings. If you fancy a laugh, Google ‘Turner Prize 2007′ and check out some of the pieces of ‘modern art’ that people-in-the-know are peering out through pretentious-tinted glasses at this year. I just saw some of them on the news and it gave me a much-needed giggle.